Dr. Florence Rosiello
Florence Rosiello, PhD, is a psychotherapist/psychoanalyst in private practice in Sedona, Arizona. She is currently the President-Elect of the Arizona Psychoanalytic Society based in Phoenix and Northern Arizona.
Dr. Rosiello has published and lectured on many topics, most specifically on relationships. Her book is titled, “Deepening Intimacy in Psychotherapy” (2000) Jason Aronson, Publishers.
Her website is: http://www.florencerosiello.com.
Our beautiful new high school in Sedona can be seen from Highway 89A as we enter our city. One day, when I was driving past, I wondered about the students who would graduate and what lay ahead for some of them in their immediate future. Would they leave Sedona for college, or leave for an out of city job? I wondered about some of the complications they would face if they found themselves within a long distance relationship with a partner they left behind. What are some familiar difficulties to having long distance relationships and how do you make a long distance relationship last?
The most important element to making a long distance relationship last would be that both individuals in the couple need to agree to an ‘end’ time; a time when the distance between them will no longer exist. If couples feel that the distance between them does not have an ending in sight, then the relationship will, typically, break down. Here’s why: If one person leaves town and the other doesn’t, the person left behind has a harder time of it; a harder time getting used to the loss of the lover. The partner who has left is usually in a new location, let’s say she’s gone off to college and left her boyfriend in her hometown, then the boyfriend experiences the loss very powerfully because it’s clear that something is gone from his routine – from the routine of how he has been living his life. If the girlfriend has gone off to college, then her routine, her schedule is completely different and while it may be scary to be away at college and without your partner, scariness has a way of making us feel like we’re not alone. Scariness can be a companion of sorts, it keeps us thinking about being scared and it dilutes the power or intensity of missing the boyfriend back home.
How do you keep a ‘spark’ in a long distance relationship? What needs to happen?
Well, let’s face it, a spark is just a momentary bright thing as the word implies, so good luck keeping that going, because unless that spark has already lit a pretty big fire before you physically separate – that spark is meant to fizzle out. If, however, you’ve got a relationship that has been emotionally intimate, warm and tender, full of giving and receiving, and brimming with forgiveness, then you actually do have a stable fire lit and a really good chance of staying together. Working hard means communicating and communicating often, maybe a few times a day. With all the means of technical communicating today, there really isn’t any rationale for not being in touch. So, if your lover says that they haven’t had a moment to be in touch with you for the last few days because of some weird reason they’re handing you, I’d say that your ‘spark’ just fizzled out. But, if you and your lover are talking everyday, then, you’ve got a commitment from each other to keep the relationship intact and on track.
How come some relationships don’t survive and some do survive a long distance? Is there a commonality or typical reason why some don’t survive?
Yes, absolutely, there is a theme or thread or commonality to relationships that end. In any relationship there needs to be an emotional closeness, an openness to intimacy, and a tenderness between the couple and if there isn’t, then you’re in a disaster waiting to happen. It doesn’t matter if the relationship is close geographically or distant geographically, really, what matters is that there is emotional authenticity and a verbal commitment to remain together. In that way, it doesn’t matter if you live in Arizona and your lover lives in South Africa. If you maintain intimate communication and the desire to be faithful, you’re good to go. The problem here is monogyny or being faithful. Human beings, because we’re only just human, have a tough time of doing things perfectly and it’s difficult to be faithful, in perfect way, particularly when you’re young. We have to work at being faithful to another person, and I mean really work at it and not give in to the cute person next to us, even when we’re being pursued by them. This takes a lot of authenticity, and integrity, and self-knowledge, so that we have a sense when we are putting ourselves in emotional danger, like getting drunk and losing control and doing things that we didn’t plan to do when we were sober. So, it means being a responsible adult, and that’s a tough one, because even responsible adults will say that it’s hard being a responsible adult; it takes a lot of consistent work and the help of the person you love.
Why don’t some people just cast away suspicions and trust that the long distance relationship will be fine?
Trust is tricky. Some people are alien to trusting others; it ‘s almost like they’re not hardwired for it. Most people, though, really want to trust and really try to do so even if they feel suspicious of ‘where were you last night?’ People actually want to believe that their partner is telling the truth about their whereabouts. But, there’s a deeper question here and I think the real question is, ‘what do you do if you think your lover is cheating and you’ve got no way to find out because you live on the other side of the country?’ Again, if you’ve in the ‘I don’t trust anyone’ category, then this doesn’t apply to you. If you’re in the ‘yes, I trust’ category then this is an interesting issue because if you feel jealous of your partner, if you think they may be cheating, you might be right, unfortunately. It takes two people in the couple to make one of the persons feel jealous. Feelings, such as jealously, are created, developed, and felt between two people. Feelings are co-created between the couple. Just like ‘love’ is co-created, so is jealousy, or any feeling developed between the couple. But, as I said, this is tricky, because you may think your partner is cheating and they may not be, at all. Then you’ve got to look to yourself and really think about the possibility that you may not be able to trust because of earlier experiences of being betrayed by others. If that’s the case, maybe getting some counseling to see what is getting in the way of trusting; because sometimes an inability to trust, is really just a fear of being intimate with another.
How important is the quality of the time spent together prior to the separation?
If you spend quality time together then you’ve got a good shot that the relationship will be a quality relationship. If you don’t have quality time before the relationship becomes long distanced, well, then there’s no foundation for its growth. But, if there hasn’t been quality time before the relationship became long distance, then, there has to be a reason why it wasn’t quality; and that would most likely be the result of one person or both persons not wanting to have this particular relationship. The point here is that it’s not distance that complicates relationships, it’s the people in the relationships that create complications, and those complications are usually due to an emotional distance, not a long distance.
What is most important when the couple does reunite?
Being alone as a couple is the best way to reconnect. If it’s just the two of you, without other people as a distraction, then the tenderness can rebuild without outside complications. In addition, couples often reunite more quickly through physical contact by holding each other and feeling the familiarity of the other person’s embrace. When you first see your lover after a separation, try not to include your friends, or your relatives, or your computer/ipad/cell, just include each other in the silence of loving each other and now, having each other back together for a time.
What do you do if you find the plans you made before the relationship became long distance, are no longer viable? What if one person changes the goal of the couple or changes their own personal goal?
What do we do if we change our goals? If we realize that what we thought we wanted, or who we thought we wanted in our lives is no longer our goal? I think some people might use this rationale to jump ship on a relationship. Other people worry about making a commitment they ‘might’ not keep and prematurely end a relationship in order to just move on. Lots of people do that and are happy about that decision. Lots of other people do that and are miserable for years and years because they never stop loving that person who moved away or changed their mind after they moved away. Lots of people just use this ‘fear of changing plans’ as a way to end a relationship that they just want to ditch because they don’t really love their partner anymore. This question really addresses so many issues because another piece of the issue can be that the fear of being intimate or fear of committing to another person, can keep people half in and half out of the relationship, long distance or not. The point in any relationship is to be flexible with yourself and with the other person; and, to be creative in fulfilling your emotional needs and your partner’s needs. In other words, you’ve got to be ambitious in a relationship and to want to provide what is important for your partner and for yourself, emotionally. A good relationship is a mutual relationship, full of sharing, and communicating, and trying your hardest to work at it. Plans always change in life and relationships have to adjust; it would be pretty boring otherwise, or pretty lonely otherwise. Relationships are risky and that’s the beauty of them and the reality within them; and sometimes that beauty and reality wind us up in locations separate from our partner.
